Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Shrike Snark

So.... got my free issue of "sandra lee Semi-Homemade" magazine (bad caps all the magazine's fault, not mine) today.

I have a love/hate relationship with this woman.

I wanted the concept to be good back when this show started. I understand that you may not want to get home from work and put in two hard hours in the kitchen to get meals done on a weeknight. And things like Shake'N Bake and Spam and Kraft Mac & Cheese can be perfectly acceptable things to serve your family, on occasion.

But you don't do that stuff when you're entertaining and having people over. That's just wrong.

The crimes against food commited by her FAR outweigh any good. But the show is just hilarious to watch. Bad voice overs, horrible technique, and just ridiculous things like half-assing the food and spending hours with your hot glue gun, gluing plates and cups together for a "tablescape".

Every woman, she is not.

So I jumped all over the chance at a free issue of this magazine. Half to see if I'd continue getting it so they can inflate their subscription numbers for awhile to get advertisers to buy more space.

Some of the gems.....

A burrito casserole is something that sounded pretty good to me. I don't have a problem a taco seasoning packet, when used as the directions intend. Canned refried beans? As long as they're the ones I like. Slap that in a tortilla, top with cheese, the glamour shot actuall had some lettuce, tomatoes and onions involved. I might have to admit I like something of hers....

Or maybe not. Really.... how freakin' hard is it to slap some ground beef and beans in a tortilla? You need to start out with already-made burritos???

There are four various "stylists" listed as working for the magazine. But no one listed as "food stylist". And you can tell.

Obviously, no one knows what "presentation side down" means. With the boneless, skinless chicken breast, this is NOT the side that is usually the presentation side.

I didn't think it was possible to make a lasagna that looked, well, kinda unappetizing. I've made some ugly lasagnas in my lifetime, I will admit, but this was just frightening....

It's just oddly.... I donno... solid and kinda odd. If I got that served up to me at an Italian eatery, I'd send it back. If I served that up to company, I'd be ashamed. If I got that after I nuked a Lean Cuisine, I'd be midly disappointed but I might eat it anyway.

But what... there is more....

A different lasagna. That also don't look too good. That black stuff in the middle there? Best I can figure, spinach.

If you're going to go through the effort to make lasagna, do it right. Please.

And another moment where I was curious....

The text reads "This tasty cut of beef is sure to impress when partnered with an elegant, warm salad."

(Oh, another disturbing thing... they don't give the recipe names with any of the pictures of the food... just point you to the page. Odd. Has anyone working on this magazine ever worked for a food publication??)

Cut to the recipe.....

Eye of Round?? Tasty and Impressive??

Ok... I think during the absolutely horrible six months where both the hubby and I were out of work in 2001 I bought eye of round steaks ONCE. They looked good in the meat case, so I bought them. And they were HORRIBLE. Eye of Round is not a cut that should be served as a quickly cooked steak. And they'd know that if anyone actually tested this recipe more than to make sure it "looks pretty". They do look nice... but this is a cut of meat that is NOT made for a quick cook, it takes some braising to get eye of round to not be like eating a gym shoe.

And the best.....

I could not get a good shot (stinkin' phone) but on the page just inside the back cover, there is a recipe for a sanwich (Ye Gods! Thank you! Someone has figured it out!) and this "quote" by Oprah Winfrey. Now, I am not a hausfrau of the Cult of Oprah, but I have to respect the woman for the empire she's built up. And I know I would not want to cross her in any way, shape, form, manner, or whatever. I find it hard to believe that Oprah approve the use of this quote - hey, she's got her magazine to sell too - it's just all a big trick to try and hook some Oprah-files. Hey Oprah... after you're done with ex-gov Rod for Taking Your Name in Vain.... can you make sure this stuff is taken care of, too??